We were overdue for a night out. Kennedy was always so busy training the girls at school and patrolling herself and I was tied up trying to figure out this partnership between me and Angel. The brand spankin' new Chase Investigations (Formerly Angel Investigations) was going to help even more hopeless than ever before. Needless to say? We were really really busy and if you didn't count the night Kennedy decided to get trashed and start ranting online until a party started, you would think we never had any fun.

So there was the night that Kennedy had a little too much to drink and better yet, wanted to take body shots with me. Thankfully Helena was there and later on more people started to show up so it wasn't like anything could get too awkward. I tried to believe that it was just a fluke thing, caused by alcohol and Kennedy just being Kennedy. But the truth was, things had been a little awkward in general. It wasn't surprising considering our past relationship, if you'd even call it that. It was surprising that we could even learn to be friends now but somehow we had. We'd been living in the same apartment, eating two out of three meals together a day and we had somehow managed to never talk about what had gone on between us or about the night that I came over to tell her it was over.

It was kind of like how Angel and I never talked about what had happened between us before I got hijacked by a higher power. We never talked about the night that was supposed to happen and never did. I used to have this theory about subtlety. That if I thought it I would just say it outloud. It never mattered to me what the consequences could bring because subtlety was just saying untrue stuff. Now it seemed like everything anybody ever did, including myself, was shrouded in silence. It didn't take a genius to see that I had changed a lot since high school but this was ridiculous.

I was starting to think that maybe I should move out. Okay, so I hadn't lived by myself in well, ever. Even before the hotel there had always been Dennis. Moving back to the hotel wasn't an option and probably wouldn't be one ever again so I needed to come up with a different idea. Staying with Kennedy had just seemed easy, and when I broke my arm she had insisted on it. My arm was healed now though and she hadn't asked me to leave so I just hadn't.

Tonight was about fun but I might have had a few eensy little ulterior motives in it. I figured tonight it would just be the two of us and it would give me a chance to feel out the situation. That was why I'd text messaged Kennedy halfway through the work day and asked her to meet me at a bar nearby. It was a quiet place, dark but not dismal, just....cozy.

When I got there I sat at one of the booths in the back corner waiting for Kennedy to show up.

Life is a Soundtrack
Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.

( here )

Warning: By posting this up you are subjecting yourself to other peoples tastes in music. First rule of Play List is do not get offended by the music people share with you. Your cup of tea is could be someone else's leafy water.
Warning: By posting this up should be willing to seek out the same meme on your friends list and give them some music too!

01. How it works: Place this post up in your journal.
02. Fellow friends list members [and their writers too] are to then in turn comment to your post with music.
03. Said music is shared via an upload that you can download, or a link to lyrics for the connection challenged that reminds them of you.
04. When you comment leave the song title and artist in the subject line so that if someone else thought of the same song they don't have to send it to you again, ;)
05. With enough people and enough variety of songs you should end up with a lovely playlist inspired by those that know you pretty well. [or so you hope]

I tried to be as calm as possible as I listened to Faith tell us who was going where and when. I wasn't exactly a slayer but I was pretty battle seasoned after spending years fighting at Angel's side and then opening my own business with Buffy and Dawn. It didn't make it any less scary when things started to unravel though and especially when you were talking about something like Wolfram and Hart. They'd been a royal pain in the ass for years, I still was holding a teensy little grudge (read: huge grudge) about the whole let's vision Cordelia to death so that Angel will free some whackjob from hell. It felt good to see Angel back in the game too. Doing what was right and being the champion that he was supposed to be instead of crazy on drugs Angel. Thank God, I hadn't witnessed that one up close and personal. Maybe the two of us weren't as close as we used to be but I still worried about him. How could I not?

Connor counted us off deciding who would be following Alec and who would be following him. I felt a little bit of relief rush through me when I realized I would be following Connor into this and not Alec. Connor and I may not be anything anymore but I still cared about him, still worried about him. I felt a lot better about being led into battle by him than I would be by Alec.

My weapon of choice was a broadsword. Thank God that Angel had taught me how to fight all of those years ago. I never forgot a single move that he taught me and I attributed that to many years of cheerleading practice. Plus, I was a lot more demony than I was when he had originally taught me and even though most days I didn't feel any different than I had when I was completely human it tended to at least give me a little extra juice in the fighting department. I was flanked by slayers too. So fine, I had issues with slayers and I felt bad that some of these girls, possibly a lot of them were going to die tonight. So many of them were only teenagers but this was what they were built to do, what they were meant to do. There had to be some solace in that.

Solace until a whole demon army was suddenly speeding towards us at the speed of light and out of nowhere a gigantic dragon appeared, flying over us and breathing fire so close I really thought we were going to burst into flames. I tried not to think about it, about any of it as I drew my sword and started hacking and slashing with the best of them. I tried hard not to pay attention to the girls that fell around me, but when I saw Connor and then Fred fall I felt myself begin to panic a little bit. I tried hard to make my way through the ensuing mass of demons but I couldn't get close enough to check on either one of them.

Just when I felt like I was about to make some headway a soaring pain began to throb through my temples.

"Oh no. Not now." I muttered, wishing like hell that the vision could somehow hold off until after the fight was over. Unfortunately, the ptbs always had a mind of their own and their timing always sucked.

Closing my eyes for a second I prayed that it would be over quickly but it wasn't. At least, it didn't feel like it was. I saw everything. Flashes of the inside of the building. Faith fighting desperately against James, Grace frantically trying to prepare the spell. Could feel the ache of a sword pushed straight through Lena's chest until she stopped breathing finally and completely. The panic of James as his entire empire fell around him. I felt the terror in Faith and Alec as they struggled to move the bookshelves that had fallen on Grace, and the anguish of Serenity as she realized she would now never know her mother. Buffy and another slayer that I didn't know fighting against Aidan. The two of them losing, backed into a corner. I could feel Lily's surprise as she went sailing through the window and the agony of hitting the concrete below. Angel and Kennedy fighting like hell to destroy Dom, sometimes winning and sometimes losing before the senior partner finally got sucked into the portal. Somewhere I wondered if I hadn't failed Kennedy after all, if my earlier vision had just been a preparation of this. If my talk with her the other night somehow contributed to the well of strength she suddenly found within herself. I felt the sorrow of Harry and Sophia as one learned that James was gone and the other said goodbye to his daughter. I felt the fear of the slayers and warriors surrounding me as they launched themselves into the battle. And then finally I felt the triumph when the building began to collapse.

It was too much, too much to see and too much to feel too quickly. I felt tears streaming down my face as I fell to my knees in the middle of the battle. I could see everyone but I couldn't see me and vaguely in the back of my mind I wondered if this was it for me. And if it was I hope to God that wasn't an invitation for some evil higher being to hijack my body.

It figured that would be my last thought before the world went completely black.

It was awkward to say the least. Like way more awkward than living in a beach house with Buffy and Spike. Actually, I was pretty much used to that. Spike was annoying and Buffy was....well, annoying. It really was just a whole lot of annoying which apparently I've learned to deal with pretty well. So obviously I've gotten a lot more tolerant in my mid-twenties but nothing really prepared me for all of us living in the same place. And by all of us, I mean me, Buffy, Spike, Faith, about ten zillion teenage Buffys, oh yeah and Kennedy. Awkward much? I hadn't seen her since the day I'd gone to her apartment to tell her that I couldn't see her anymore because it just wasn't right or fair. I was using her and eventually I had to be honest with her about it. We were both in a dark place then but now, at least it seemed that we were gonna be alright. Separately.

And the separate thing was fine. I'd taken advantage of Kennedy, I'd used her to try and forget about Connor which was a really stupid idea that never worked. I wasn't sure what her agenda was with me and frankly? I probably didn't want to know. It made it a little easier living in such close proximity to my umm ex....what? Definitely not girlfriend, I don't care what Spike says about it.

I had seen Connor and Angel around off and on too, but I was almost sure that they weren't staying here. Angel wouldn't leave the hotel and Connor wouldn't leave Fred. Fred. All this time I was worried about Faith, it never crossed my mind for even a second that Fred would go there with Connor. I guess Connor was right. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you want them to.

With all of the awkwardness and pseudo-enemies I'd made as of late I was getting a little lonely. The only people around to really talk to were Spike and the mini Buffys. And I don't care how lonely I get, it takes a lot to stoop to that. But stooping I was. In fact, earlier in the night I'd let one of the girls, Cassie I think it was, give me a manicure. If being a slayer never works out for her, she could totally go work at a nail salon. Her work was flawless.

I was letting my nails dry despite how late it was. Tensions were running high in the building with some big fight right around the corner and most of us weren't sleeping very much, if at all. That left a lot of time for my imagination to run wild as I wandered around the large old building. It's too bad Kennedy and Faith don't have good taste. I could totally go to town decorating this place. As it was, I had been spending most of my days cleaning it from top to bottom.

Hey, everyone has something. Some people eat, smoke, chew their nails, the slayers beat things up. Me? I clean.

I was about to head upstairs when I saw Kennedy walk by. Quickly I pressed myself up against the wall so she wouldn't see me as she passed. She looked upset and she had her hand pressed to a fresh bruise blossoming on her jaw. Uh oh. Dissension in the ranks? Unless Grace did it. I couldn't keep up with the ever unfolding supernatural soap opera going on around here.

Once she had passed I slipped back out into the hallway and went to the freezer in the kitchen. Grabbing one of the many ice packs that was kept there I followed Kennedy down the hallway towards the ladies room. Inside she was sitting on the sink and looking into the mirror moodily. Walking up beside her, I didn't say anything at first, just pressed the ice pack to her jaw.

"Tensions are running pretty high around here, huh?" I asked her gently.

"Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time" - Arab Proverb

I hate to say it but I'm jealous of Fred. A few years ago I would have been even more jealous but even the new and improved me is jealous. C'mon, it just doesn't make any sense. If you had met both me and Fred which one of us would you assume would be happily married to the billionaire? Exactly. Nothing against Fred because I love her and she's been such a good friend to me but why couldn't I have that life? Why was I the one who got promoted to higher being status only to get hijacked by a psycho who used my body to give birth to itself after seducing Angel's son? And she's the one who's married and about to have a baby. Not an evil people eating baby either. Probably.

I am really happy for Fred and I can't wait to be Auntie Cordy to the baby she's going to be popping out sooner rather than later but I can't help but think about it. Especially at the end of the night when I'm falling asleep in Harry and Fred's guest room and during the day when Fred and I go shopping with Harry's credit card. This was supposed to be my life.

How did everything go so wrong?

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

To: realdealhero@livejournal.com
From: visiongirl@livejournal.com
Subject: New York, New York Pt. 2

Hi Angel,

It's been awhile since I've written so I wanted to while I have a few minutes. I don't know if you're checking your email or not. I know you have trouble with the technology but all you have to do is hit the icon that says Firefox on your desktop and it will take you into the internet. It's easy, I promise.

New York is great. Fred is doing really well and her husband is very sweet, and well...rich which is a good combination if you ask me. They're expecting their first baby in a few months and we've been really excited here waiting for it. I can't even begin to tell you how much shopping I've done for this baby and it hasn't even been born yet. New York has the most amazing stores on earth and if you ever come to visit I guarantee we'll have you looking sharp in no time, even if you'll hate every minute of it.

The reason why I wanted to write you is to let you know that I'm not coming back to LA. I know that I said this trip was only going to be temporary but I've fallen in love with New York, Angel. Besides, Fred doesn't know too many people in the city yet and she could probably use a friend especially when the baby comes. Harry has already agreed to fund my new business which I'm planning to get started next month. I haven't given up on the mission, Angel. I'm going to start my own investigations service here in the city. You wouldn't believe how many hopeless need helping here. LA just doesn't feel like home anymore.

I hope that everything is going well for you and that you've found Connor and managed to make amends with him. I'll never really be able to tell you just how sorry I am about everything that I've done. Maybe one day you'll be able to forgive me and you can come visit me here in New York.

Until then, best of luck and I love you.


~Cordelia

I was having those what do you call 'ems. I don't know. I don't have them very often but I've seen Angel have them enough I should know more about them by now. An epiphany. That was what it was. I was having one of those as I was soaking in the bathtub upstairs in the beach house. I could still hear Ralphie barking up a storm downstairs while Spike bitched at him and Buffy bitched at Spike but I was lost in the bubbles, in my own little world.

I made a mistake.

The visions couldn't just be ignored. I wasn't entirely sure what they meant when they showed me Kennedy and one of the senior partners, but I was pretty sure that sleep with her so she hopefully won't go running off to Dom wasn't what they had in mind. Who knew if it had even worked? For all I knew Kennedy was having her cake and eating it too. I never bothered to find out, I never bothered to care. Because I was too wrapped up in Connor and him running off with Faith and everything else that had been going on around the hotel. I didn't care about helping the hopeless, I just cared about making myself less hopeless. And now I'd made a mess of the whole thing.

Once my skin was all pruney from sitting in the tub for so long I finally got out and toweled myself off. I was going to have to talk to Kennedy before I forgot about the epiphany altogether and got lonely enough to just go over there and do...what we do again. It wasn't just the vision stuff either. It wasn't healthy for either of us to carry on like this. I mean, this was how Angel and Faith and all the rest of them dealt with things. I used to think that I was better than that. As it turned out, I was wrong. I wanted to get over Connor but the whole thing was really about Connor in the first place. If I ever wanted to move on I had to actually y'know, move on.

Getting in the car I had purchased for myself with money from the business I headed over to the other side of town to Kennedy's apartment. Once I was there I got out of the car and knocked on her door, suddenly nervous that she wasn't even going to be home. When she answered the door, I was nervous because she was home. Go figure.

She leaned in to kiss me but I pushed her back away from me before pushing past her and into the living room.

"I have something I need to say." I told her as I turned around. "And I need you to just be quiet and listen for a minute, alright?" I didn't wait for her to say she would be, instead I just launched right into it. "This is a mistake. You and me and whatever is going on here. It should have never been this way. I got that vision of you and I was supposed to help you and when I couldn't at first I just gave up and we ended up where we are now instead. I was hurting because of Connor and Faith and I used you as an opportunity to get over him but I was supposed to be helping you, not using you. I'm really sorry that I couldn't help you. It's my fault. But we can't keep doing this either."

Tax evasion is a bad idea.

No, seriously. That's what I've learned. Because the truth is, I never knew my parents all that well. They were almost constantly traveling when I was a kid and I didn't have any brothers or sisters to play with, so I spent most of my time with the housekeeper, Rosa. She was responsible for cleaning and cooking and taking care of me and shopping and well, things that normal moms usually do.

I don't blame my dad so much. He had to work a lot when I was younger, so that I could afford to do things like put ungodly amounts of shoe sales onto his credit cards. My mom didn't actually work but she had a bunch of other things she was always doing. She was busy throwing charity events and dinner parties. Plus, the woman loved to vacation. The French Riviera was a place she tended to visit for at least a few weeks every couple of months. Every once in awhile I would be lucky enough to tag along. I guess the lesson I could learn from my mom is marry rich. Except for that goes back to the whole tax evasion thing and now her husband is in jail and she's dead broke.

If the question is what did I learn from my parents? Well, the answer is nothing worth knowing.

Compromise. It's another one of those annoying words like subtlety that are lost on me. What's the point of that anyways? It's just saying things are untrue and if there's one thing I'm not, it's a liar. A thing that I definitely am is stubborn and sorry bub, it's my way or the highway. Some people would probably say that's the result of my childhood and teenage years kicking in. Maybe it is leftover from the life that I used to have. I mean, before Daddy got thrown in jail for tax evasion he never made me compromise, not once. If I wanted it? I got it. It didn’t matter if it was a new toy or a new pair of shoes, my parents never once told me no, that I couldn’t have something.

I'm not really the same person as I was back in Sunnydale but you can only change so much and I think I changed a lot. But that whole compromise thing? Still working on it.

I've been thinking a lot about Doyle lately. With everything that's happened recently, it's easy to see why. Everyone is so scattered these days. It's nice to be in New York with Fred but I find myself missing the old days more and more. Back when it was just me, Angel and Doyle. Back when it was just me, Angel, Gunn and Wes and then when Fred and Lorne became part of the family too. Back when the mission was easy. I was the Vision Gal, Gunn was the muscle, Wes and Fred were the brains, Lorne was our contact in the demon world and Angel....well, Angel was the broody dark avenger type. It sounds complicated when I say it like that but it doesn't make it any less true.

Now Doyle is dead, Gunn and Wes and Angel and Lorne are who knows where and me and Fred in New York living in the penthouse of a millionaire with great fashion sense. I love it here, I really do but it's bothering me that.... I haven't had one single vision in a really long time. In fact, it's been so long that I can't even remember the last one. I mean, I didn't even get visiony to figure out where Connor was, it just happened to be on the news. Him and Faith robbing some convenience store. Connor and Faith were both important to the ptbs so I didn't understand why they wouldn't send me some kind of message. Any kind of message.

I was so angry at Doyle when he left the way that he did. I understand why he did it now, because he was a hero and he did what he thought was right. He did what Angel would have done. But did he make a mistake when he kissed me? When he passed the visions onto me? I hadn't thought about that in a very long time. It's been years since Doyle has been gone and even though I still miss him I felt okay knowing that I was continuing what he started.

But now I wasn't continuing. I wasn't doing anything at all except for an enormous amount of shopping. C'mon ptbs! Send me a message. Send me something!

[locked]

Reunions aren't always what they're cracked up to be. Yeah, there are some good ones and then there are some really bad ones. Like my reunion with Angel and Wesley back when I'd first lived in LA. That reunion was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. First of all, I had friends, friends who would back me up no matter what. Friends who would go to a creepy demon auction and save me from getting my eyeballs near carved out of my head. Those are the kind of friends a girl needs. Not to mention a job, so that I had enough money to actually keep an apartment that wasn't totally scummy.

I can't even complain to much about my reunion with Buffy Summers. Let's be honest, I'm the Vision Gal, known for occasional acts of bravery but mostly I just stay in my nice dry office while other people (manpires, whatev) go into the stinky sewers and skewer the bad guys. And by other people, these days I mean Buffy. Yeah, she's blonde and annoying but she also has the tendency to kill evil things so I try to cut her some slack hardly ever.

Then there are the bad kind of reunions. Like when your boyfriend takes off to a hell dimension with Faith in tow. When he only leaves you a letter to let you know what's going on. Maybe I would have tried to talk him out of it, I don't know- but he could have at least told me. It's not like I could even stop him if he really wanted to go anyways. I'm working so hard to forgive him but sometimes I'm afraid that I just can't.

And so I end up back at Kennedy's house, back in her bed. When I leave in the morning I hate myself just a little more. Maybe I should write Connor a letter...

I know everyone says something about high school or college in here. But in high school I was a shallow mean cheerleader and I didn't go to college because my dad lost all of his money so I can't really say anything about that. I had some good times in LA with Angel Investigations but there were always so many bad times in there too it's almost impossible to pick out which was best. Now I've finally figured it out and I have two words for you.

Madison. Avenue.

I came to New York a couple of weeks ago to visit Fred and her new husband Harry because Angel disappeared to who knows where and that hotel is awfully big and lonely when you're the only person in it. So I decided I wanted to see Fred and it was the best decision I've made in awhile. Who has time to think about mystical comas and sleeping with Angel's son when you're staying in a beautiful penthouse and shopping nearly every single day.

Versace, Chanel, Louboutin, Gucci, Hermes, Jimmy Choo, Louis Vuitton, Manolo Blahnik. It really just goes on and on I could fill up ten of these entries with all of the clothes and shoes and accessories I've bought over the last couple of weeks. The guest room in Harry and Fred's apartment is huge but I'm not sure where I'm going to put all of this when I go back to LA.

If I go back to LA...

//locked//

The last time I cried was not that long after Connor left. I've lost a lot over the years. I lost Xander to Willow lips back when I was in high school and later on I lost Doyle because he needed to be a hero. This time I lost Connor for the same reasons but...it's not the same thing. Connor wasn't trying to save innocent people he was trying to save....Faith. I can't hold onto the anger forever and so I decided to let at least a little bit of it go, and then I just got sad.

I tried to forget about him with Kennedy, I really did. I can't decide if I'm sleeping with her because she reminds me of Faith or if it's because she reminds me of Connor. Either way, it isn't what I'd call a healthy relationship. I don't like her all that much and I'm almost sure the feeling is more than mutual. And yet, I keep going back.

The whole time I told myself I was doing it so I could get over Connor and then I realized it was all about him the whole time.

*Locked*

Self indulgence? What's that? Like when your fiance runs off to a hell dimension with a slayer skank and so you find your own slayer skank to get...skanky with. I'm not a skank. Well, maybe a little bit. But not nearly as bad as some leather clad boyfriend stealers.

And I'm also not gay, just so we have that clear. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay or anything, especially if your name is Willow or Angel, I guess. It's just that...I'm not gay. I mean if I were gay I would know that, right? It's not something that just sneaks up on you. Willow knows that she's gay and oh my God she used to date Oz in high school. She didn't know she was gay back then. Did she? Did she secretly know? Did she like Oz because he was little and had delicate hands? Then again, she did steal my first boyfriend. Oh my God, she's a boyfriend stealer too! We can just throw her right back into the skanky pile.

So if I'm not gay and I'm definitely not a skank.....why do I keep ending up back at Kennedy's? She did not so subtly try and get rid of me after the first time and that was after she tried to kill me! Well, okay she didn't really try and kill me, she was just trying to scare me but like that really makes it any better.

It's so not better. So very not better.

But at the time. It's pretty good. The things that she can do with her tongue....

Oh God, what's happening to me? This is all Connor's fault.

To: realdealhero@livejournal.com
From: visiongirl@livejournal.com
Subject: New York, New York

Hi Angel,

I know that you're busy doing...whatever it is that you're doing. You're being really secretive about that fyi, but then again, this is you we're talking about here. I'm not really sure what it is you have to take care of or why I can't help you with it but I know that you'll tell me in your own time, when you're ready. I know, you're probably in shock that I'm not being more pushy about this and believe you me, I wish that I could be. But right now I know that I have to respect your space, so that's what I'm doing. Witness me, with the respecting.

Which doesn't mean that the hotel isn't horrible and empty feeling withtout anyone in it but me. Where are Gunn and Wes? I feel like I haven't seen them in ages. And Connor...well, I hope you find him soon. I can't stay there alone, waiting for something to happen so I'm leaving.

It's nothing permanent or anything. I guess I'm just missing the old gang or whatever, so I'm going to New York to see Fred and meet her new husband. I'm pretty sure the Osborn private jet is going to be in Los Angeles soon to pick me up and I probably won't see you before then. So...I just wanted to let you know where I was. If you want to talk, or anything you know my cell number (hint: press 2 on your speed dial). Maybe when you get done, doing whatever it is you're doing you can come to New York and visit. I'm sure Fred would love to see you.

I hope everything works out and...well, and I guess I miss you.


~Cordelia

I'm starting to wonder if I should just fall asleep and hope that pesky mystical coma will kick in again. After all, not only was it surprisingly good for my complexion but it had to be less boring than this. Angel finally called me and said that he had something mysterious to take care of. I tried to get him to tell me more but I think that he finds it easier to avoid me over the phone. That is cheating.

I mulled over it for a few days, but trying to figure out why Angel is taciturn is like trying to find out why orange is the new red. After awhile I just decided that he would come back when he was ready and would tell me where he had been when he was ready. I tried to distract myself but there are only so many layers of dust, even at a big hotel like the Hyperion. It was driving me crazy so obviously an unexplainable cleaning rampage was needed.

Eventually I even called Buffy. I just let her phone ring a couple of times and when her voice picked up I just hung up on her. What was I going to say? Hi Buffy, this is Cordelia. You're not by any chance dead and the reason why Angel is probably flogging himself in some monastery somewhere reliving all of his past sins. I wasn't really sure how that would go over and really, I don't like her so a conversation seemed like more trouble than it was worth.

I didn't have anymore avenues to explore considering the ptbs have suddenly decided that things need to be quiet upstairs. No visions means I had no way of knowing where he was or when he was coming back. All I could do was wait around for it.

Maybe I'll go hang out with Wes.

Ugh. Slayers. Let's talk about them some more because really, they don't already plague me enough. Granted, I like that they kill evil things or whatever but they're starting to become the bane of my existence. If had a dime for every time Buffy rolled her eyes at me during the day I would be as rich as David Nabbit. I wish the fun stopped there, oh boy do I wish the fun stopped there. Not only am I surrounded by them in this town but now I'm getting visions of them. And not even the ones I usually had to put up with ie Buffy and Faith. Now it's the gay version of Faith, which isn't surprisingly that far away from Faith at all. Well, Kennedy's probably less skanky cause let's face it, Courtney Love is less skanky than Faith is.

Skankiness aside? You would think that these slayers would stop going evil. Wasn't Faith supposed to be some kind of freak for betraying her calling or whatever? I mean, at least Buffy never went evil. Unless you count all of those speeches evil and well, after sitting through a few of them some people might. Either way, I didn't think this was something that was going to keep happening. But here we are again, I'm getting the full visiony brainquake featuring Kennedy making bestest friends with one of the senior partners. Ummmm, weren't we all in agreed that was a very bad idea? Maybe I missed a memo somewhere that said we were all supposed to get naked and sweaty and scary with a senior partner. Yeah, I think I'll pass on that one. Next, please.

Unfortunately for me it's not like I can just ignore something that the powers were trying to tell me no matter how much I'd really like to. I'm pretty sure Kennedy's not even going to pay me after I save her stupid ass. Which begged the question....... How the hell was I gonna save her stupid ass? She being the slayer and me being....me. I thought about going to Angel for a minute and filling him in on the details since he made it such a habit to save slayers but he was in New York. My next option was Buffy but then I remembered how well Buffy intervened back when Faith was all evil and decided against it.

This was my curse. Stupid ptbs making me chase after slayers. Hello! Slayers get visions too, or well prophetic dreams sometimes. Why couldn't they just tell her themselves?

Instead I found myself waiting on the front step of one Kennedy Bradford. She was probably out with the senior partner who although scary? Had great taste in shoes. I mean, seriously. Great.



((Open to Kennedy you slut))

Are you kidding me? Okay, I guess this is a serious question when you think about God- or whatever, but see? That's the problem. Everyone gets God and a "higher power" mixed up. Do I believe in God? I don't know, I've never been much of a believer in conventional religion. My parents weren't religious or anything. I think I had to go to church a grand total of once and that was when my housekeeper brought me. My parents were busy important people. Y'know, busy until they got locked up for tax evasion. Who knows what they believe in now. You always hear about people coming out of prison all born again. So who knows?

I believe in what I can see, and what I know. I don't know anything about God but I do know way too much about a higher power. Mostly because they have a habit of hijacking my brain (and my life!) every once in awhile so that I can deliver the message to Angel. The ptbs? Pretty much suck. You'd think something all omnipotent and working on the side of "good" might get off their asses and help out every once in awhile. But no, that is way too much to ask from them. Instead they sit on high and watch the rest of us scramble around trying to do their dirty work. Definitely not fair. Although I gotta say, after spending a few months as one? I'll take the heartache and the pain of living down here and being their bitch any day of the week. I mean, their lives are seriously boring.

Oh, I believe in a higher power. I believe in a higher lamer power. But I don't care what anyone says, I can't believe that everything is up to destiny. Maybe the big moments are already written out for us, but the little things that bring us there? That's all free will.

"Memory feeds imagination". - Amy Tan

A lot of people think Wes is paranoid, and well- a lot of people would be right. He’s so paranoid he once thought squirrels had broken into the attic of the hotel when it was really Gunn upstairs looking for something. Okay, okay- the point, I’m getting to it. So some weird people think I’m a little paranoid. I’m not paranoid, okay? But when you have a few bad past experiences, you just realize it’s better to be safer than sorry. For example:

#1. Angel getting his happy on and turning evil. It’s safe to say, this is probably a strange thing to worry about but since I’ve been around to see it, oh three times now (and that was really three times too many) I’d like to pass on ever coming into contact with that whack job ever again. So there are a few extra precautions I like to take because God knows, I’m never going to be able to stop him from having sex. Always carry a stake. That’s a no-brainer in this town but you’d be surprised how many people make this rookie mistake. I mean, with as little clothing as Faith wears I don’t know where she’d even keep a stake, and she’s a slayer. You do the math. Also, stocking up on holy water? You never know when you’re going to need it.

#2. Buffy getting all self-righteous and alienating all of her friends. I get it, okay. She’s saved the world a lot, I even appreciate that about her. That doesn’t mean I have to like her. How many times has she given the self-important “I’m the Slayer so only I know what’s best for us all” speech? It’s not that I don’t want to give her the benefit of the doubt, it’s just that history always repeats itself. The way I prepare myself for always being able to tell her where she can stick her stake after one of speeches? By being her boss. I can always fire her. This might be applicable (minus the speech giving) for all slayers. I know, the world revolves around them. Everyone should recognize while I roll my eyes.

#3. Vampires being evil. I thought this one was a no-brainer until I met Angel, and I guess Spike is alright now. For someone who listens to grungy music with a bunch of British guys who can’t even sing- on repeat. I’m starting to miss all of that Manilow action after the Sex Pistols. The point is, until a vampire proves otherwise? He’s evil. Angel saved my life, and Spike died saving the world. I think unless Buffy makes either one of them too happy, they’re probably okay.

Those are probably the most important ones. And one last piece of advice? If you hear something going bump in the night? It’s probably not your imagination.

Dear Connor,

I'm honestly not sure where to even start this and take note, because it's not often that people can render me speechless. There's just too much to say and not nearly enough words to say it all, at least not enough to make you understand. I guess I could start with an apology but I really doubt that's what you want to hear from me right now. I know that things have been really confusing for you since you came back from Quor'toth, and I only helped to confuse you more. The only thing I ever wanted was for you and Angel to have the sort of relationship that you both deserve to have. You would think for all of these visions, the ptbs might actually send up a smoke signal when we're in trouble but they tend to neglect us.

I might not have been myself for a while, and I know that I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have, and did things that I never should have. I know it's hard to understand, but I wasn't myself then, there was something else controlling me and using me to control you and your father. But no matter what happened, or who was calling the shots I could still feel you. I could feel your pain and how much you cared. I could tell how much you loved Jasmine and even through it all you killed her because you were the only one who could save us all.

Your life has been filled with a lot of broken promises but I want to make one more to you, one that will actually be kept if you could just find it in yourself to suspend your disbelief for a minute. There are people here who love you, who can take care of you and help you, myself included. I know it's hard to believe but if you just come home we can all figure this out together.


Love,

Cordelia

"Those who live, live off the dead." - Antonin Artaud

So I was supposed to be famous. I know, I know I've told this story a thousand times. I had it all planned out, well as much as you could plan for your father losing his entire fortune (including your college tuition) right before you graduated from high school. It was supposed to go like this- hotel, hotel, husband. After that plan fell through, it was supposed to go- sitcom, sitcom, big movie star. Let's face it, I was never cut out to be an actress. Apparently, I was cut out to be vision-getting, demon fighter girl. Not exactly what I had pictured.

When I got to Los Angeles I expected everything to just fall into place. I was the Queen of Sunnydale High, and every fad and fashion was based solely on whether I deemed it cool or not. Well, it turns out there's a lot of those in LA so the competition was pretty steep. Not to mention? I had no money, I mean let's not even relive the days of my first apartment where I was stealing finger foods from parties just so I could eat during the week. My life was a giant trainwreck until that slimey producer guy tried to kill me. I know, it doesn't really sound like a good thing, but trust me it was. Because would have guessed it from my past (but really Buffy's) showed up to save the day. The last thing I ever expected was to start working for Buffy's ex of all people manpires vampires but it just sort of fell into my lap. Or well, fangs almost sank into my neck and then Angel showed up to kick his ass and the rest is history.

The truth is, for a dead guy? Angel sure stirs up a lot of life around him. Normally I wouldn't speak for someone else (oh who am I kidding? I would definitely speak for someone else) but Doyle isn't here to speak for himself so I feel justified. Both of us were lost, looking for our place in the city and Angel gave us a home when we wouldn't have otherwise had one.

There were a lot of things I missed when I was stuck in a mystical coma for a few months. I didn't know exactly where Starbucks fell on the list but I bet it's pretty high up there. Demons hijacking your body apparently don't really think about things like a serious soy latte addiction. That was one of the things that I loved about our old office, you know, the one that got blown up. There was a Starbucks like right next door so I hardly ever even bothered to make fresh coffee in the morning, which usually made Wes cranky. Like British people even drink coffee and it's not like Wes needs any help in the hyperactive category. I was just looking out for his best interests! That man is already high strung enough as it is without adding espresso to the mix.

Starbucks wasn't exactly as close as it used to be but since Angel slept all day anyway I just borrowed his car for a few minutes to head down to Starbucks for a drink. I ended up splurging on a white chocolate mocha. Listen, I've spent the last eight months in a coma. Things like counting calories don't really seem as important as the sugar and caffeine content in one cup of Starbucks. I also might have spilled a little bit on the passenger seat but I wiped it up with a napkin so hopefully Angel wouldn't notice.

The hotel was still strangely quiet as I made my way inside and sat down at the desk to surf around on the internet for the news as I drank my coffee. I almost choked on it when I ran across an article about a string of liquor store hold ups in the southwest. Yep, the coffee almost ended up sprayed all over the monitor when I saw the blurry picture of the three suspects. The picture might have been blurry but the figures were clearly Connor, Spike and Faith. They only had one clear video shot of them but the MO apparently fit for the whole circuit of robberies. Suspects considered armed and highly dangerous.

It was like the coffee had begun to curdle in my stomach suddenly so I pushed it away and stared out through the door of the office into the lobby. Yeah, like telling Angel this on top of everything else was gonna be fun. But at least now we had a better idea of where to catch up with them.